Self Sabotage & My Inner Rebel
BIG NEWS! I soft launched a new business! Which scared the sh*t out of me!! and caused my 'inner rebel' to throw a right tantrum and take us into a very dark space, which I'll explain in a moment.
This new business isn't just a new revenue stream for me, it's a whole new path I'm taking in my career which is demanding a new level of commitment and transformation within mySelf.
I've known this was going to happen for a while, and I still resisted it, maybe for 3 years now if I'm brutally honest, and I still feel a tinge of guilt for refusing the call for such a long time, my inner critic is like 'bro we could be so much further along by now, helping so many more people!'
My inner critic is another aspect of me, like the inner rebel, but more on him another time!
After many signs and big nudges from the universe I've finally opened my calendar to begin holding 1:1 zoom calls offering guidance for personal transformation, emotional and mental health support and spiritual growth and evolution. (send me a DM on instagram or fill out the contact form for more info on these 1:1 calls) Making this decision was a big initiation for me. My inner rebel whom I've identified with for so long knew it would be the end of his time behind the wheel. This aspect of my psyche doesn't have a name yet but he's essentially a blend of Captain Jack Sparrow and Rick Sanchez, his theme music is Rage Against The Machine. Anyway, creating this new offering and putting it out there was a huge step for a number of reasons, firstly I'm now 100% committed to my own healing and self-mastery journey, where as before I've been dipping in and out of full commitment because I felt the fear was too much, I didn't fully believe I had it in me to makes this transition.
I didn't want to commit because the rebellious part of me was afraid I would lose my freedom, but as it turns out I have discovered a new depth of freedom within the commitment to mySelf and to fully stepping onto the path of service. It wasn't just fear of commitment that was stalling me, it was a refusal to take full accountably for my self, my past and future choices both good and bad. Taking responsibility for ourselves is a hard pill to swallow and my ego has been playing games with the idea that someone else is to blame for my circumstances, this is the victim mindset and it keeps us from taking our power back. There was another angle to this too, I hadn't yet fully connected with the importance of the path I have come here to walk. Yes, I have discover what really matters to me, I have new core values that are the pillars and foundations of my life's work yet I hadn't fully integrated them into my choices. It's incredibly important especially for men I believe, to ask ourselves what are my core values? The transformation from boy to man involves the evolution of these values. As we come into awareness of ourselves and come to understand what work is needed in the world, it becomes less about us and more about how we can best serve our partners, family, communities, humanity and our Mother Earth. What's important evolves overtime, life becomes less about dominating, taking and unconscious ego based action, and more about serving, protecting and providing. I've been asking myself whats truly important to me and familiarising myself with these ethics and principles so that they permeate my choices and actions. This grounded, open hearted purposefulness is felt, or not, by everyone in our presence. I had been clinging to juvenile masculine consciousness. Refusing the call gets painful and so I was seeking more and more pleasure to avoid the pain of being 'off mission'. This invitation into my own evolution was highlighted to me when I came into the presence of grounded and embodied men at my first Sacred Sons event 3 years ago. Men's work was new to me and it became clear I was being called into a process of letting go of my adolescent behaviours and naive beliefs about the world.
Back to the inner rebel. I recently decided to stop wrestling with him for a change and just say 'fuck it, go on then' and let him take full control to 'get it out my system'. I stopped resisting that part of me who wanted to just crash and burn, that part of me that wanted to set the whole village on fire just to feel the warmth of the flames, I allowed myself to fully identify with that 'fuck the system' self-sabotaging pirate.
Now, it must be noted, that I am a pretty sensitive dude, I don't fuck with cocaine or alcohol, and my idea of 'hitting rock bottom' is pretty mild compared to some, but this was what I needed. I got busy smoking all my weed, staying up all night and even polished off some MDMA I had left over from a ceremony I did a while back. I blissed out in the full unashamed hedonistic blur of doing whatever the fuck I wanted, without guilt, without shame. I listening to psytrance, ate shit food, smoke all the rollies and stayed up to sunrise, I had a blast for two or three days straight. I went down into a dark yet familiar space of addiction where pain and pleasure meet in a glorious tussle, a timeless free-for-all. When the weed didn't get me hight anymore and I was clean out of tobacco and serotonin, back down to Earth I came, knowing my fate, knowing that all my responsibilities and challenges are still waiting for me, nothing had changed. I felt like shit. I cried. My inner rebel realised what had happened, and my higher self who knew how this would all pan out, held that part of me as he cried deep tears of realising his time was up, he had his last blast of that old familiar patter of self sabotage and avoidance. I held myself through this process of grieving that identity, I am not the inner rebel, he is part of me but I am not that personal anymore. I've been here before, many times, but this time felt different, I didn't shame myself for this behaviour, I didn't punish myself, and I certainly didn't try to 'get rid of' the rebel, he's a part of me and so I tried something new; I LOVED myself more than ever. I found a new level of self acceptance, of self Love, and even though this 'shadow' aspect of me didn't believe he deserved Love, I Loved him unconditionally. Finally I realised what it means to integrate the shadow, and to not reject that part of me.
The rebel is vital to my life, he has helped me so much, his mission is to make sure I'm living a life of freedom, which used to looking being the rockstar-artist-scallywag-pirate who's only commitment was to avoiding responsibility at all cost! However there was a pattern, when I embodied the rebel I kept crashing the car and creating trouble in an endless search for chaos, excitement and short term pleasure. His (my) wild antics were preventing me from cultivating any kind of long-term happiness and stability in my life. I love to play the psychedelic Captain Jack Sparrow Rick Sanches wild card. I love this part of me, he comes out at festivals sometimes and he helps me remember that we are here to create change and not just conform with the herd, he's valuable and needed, but I was over identifying with him, I thought that was who I was. Addiction to chaos is the inner rebel self sabotage routine that wants to destroy himself as a protest against whatever. It's a lawless, painful and purposeless expression when un integrated. Lesson; Pain always takes the victory when pleasure is being used to avoid pain. As I went into recovery of my mini-dark night of the Soul, I touched a new depth of anguish, a new found intensity of misery and sadness, the sacred ordeal had cracked me open once again, but this time I had the capacity to feel it all like never before. The tears washed over my face and I knew I had forgiven myself for all this mess before it had even begun. Deep self forgiveness. Limitless compassion for myself as I let Love poor through me, healing me. You see, when we allow ourselves to really feel pain, to let it touch us and even consume us for a moment, we are surrendering into it, and it transforms us, that is the whole point of it. The grace we can give ourselves in these moments is self healing, it's all happening from within. I didn't realise how much anger I was hiding, I had so much deep rage against all the abusive systems that grip humanity and mother Earth, anger for myself and the pain I've caused others through my own judgment. Anger for the fake dream I was sold through this materialist programming, for the time and energy I had poured into pursuits of happiness that never made me truly happy, what a fucking nightmare.
There is a lot to be angry for, and if we don't let ourselves express that anger safely then we end up harbouring it, at worse it's uncontrollable and we become a danger to ourselves and others, at best we can grow resentful, get physically sick, or carry a bitterness that permeates and poisons our otherwise beautiful experiences of reality. You have to feel it to heal it. Then you can let it go. Spirituality and healing ain't all Love & Light, the real gold is in the shadow work, it's a big part of healing that often goes unattended, me included. My inner rebel had (and still has) anger that's gone unexpressed over many years, it's caused me to want to fight and destroy. I once believed being a rebel meant prioritising freedom and avoiding commitment, but in the darkness the negotiations began...
In these dark moments I always come back to the question; why? why am I here? It's in these moments that we are opening a portal to quantum leap through infinite timelines, to come into contact with a more expanded future where we have healed addictive patterns or ancestral trauma.
When I'm cracked open and in full surrender (which sometimes only happens as I hit rock bottom) my bruised and battered ego will ask my higher Self for guidance, 'ok fine, I'll listen now, I admit I have no idea what I'm doing and it's getting unbearable'. This is when huge transformation can take place. It is vital to see these moments a beautiful rather than shameful. To be able to love and forgive ourselves even in this mess? That's fucking powerful. In these moments of raw honestly, I'm really fucking getting to know myself, and not just the shiny happy positive 'easy to love' parts of me, I'm really fucking in it. It's pure magic. My higher self, connected to Source (God/The Universe/Spirt insert your fave) pours healing Love over me, washing me with compassion and forgiveness, my ego finally opens to receiving guidance and I ugly cry. This is alchemy. In these moments I am so grateful. So what's changed? The now evolved rebel knows he's just one aspect of a whole counsel who's unifying mission is to create as much lasting change and peace as we can in this lifetime, and learn heaps of Soul lessons in the process, and remember that we are infinite and to have a fucking good time as often as possible, all of this deepens out connection to ourselves, other people and everything really. No big deal! I know for sure that it's far more effective to put my energy into Lovingly creating something new, rather than angrily fighting something that is old. The old systems won't go down without a fight but my work here is not on the front lines, my work his is to anchor the vibration of Love and help others connect with that Love within themselves, I strongly believe that these old abusive fear based systems will destroy themselves over time, it only carries on because we keep feeding it with our attention (conciseness) it feeds off fear. We need to be creating and building a more harmonious way of being here on Earth. This is the beginning of another new chapter, and in all that deep emotional processing I have been quantum leaping through timelines and here I now find myself, following my joy, fine tuning into my heart's desires, I'm still a human making mistakes and forgetting, but I'm no longer running away from myself. I appreciate and Love every one of you who have taken the time to read this. Feel free to get in touch to book a session with me, I would love to connect with you! In gratitude, Ben ♥️